Your Morning Coffee: Saturday Morning Leftovers

I just did a quick scroll up and down the blog and I came to the striking realization that there is absolutely no multimedia or fun facts-o-the-day on the new site: how could I have been so cruel? Well I'll tell you what, today, I'm going to give it to you, a multi-media smorgasboard (kind of).

I like words and I like language, but I also like Chuck Norris jokes and mountains of useless information. Useless information becomes particularly handy when you are stuck in the middle of B.S. conversations with random strangers or when you are trying to convince someone that you are smarter than you really are. Here is a blog that I've found that combines the best of both worlds, obscure words and useless minutia: The Hot Word dig it.
When I grow up I want to be like Jay Lenno without the big chin. I want to be a collector of classic cars. My collection will consist of one car: The Timeless but Eternally Classy El Camino (Even the chicks dig it, you see?). Sometimes, when I sit back on a nice relaxing evening and think about such beautiful.... curves, I find myself running in circles and doing cartwheels in celebration of the wonderful minds that were brilliant enough to combine utility, comfort, sportiness, power, sleek lines, and an overall badass attitude into one compact vehicle. If I were a car salesman, when selling the car I would throw in a free mullet or Jerry Curl with the addition of the 22 inch spinner rims. It's just a regular party-mobile, one second you're chillin in the back in a couple of cheap lawn chairs with your bros, and the next minute, you've got your underage designated driver taking you to the next social gathering down the road; all in the confines of a luxurious low-riding beast of the American Spirit.

If I was in a beauty pageant and some dipshit judge asked me what I would do if I had a million dollars, I would preface my answer by saying that I would buy world peace. I would finish my statement by saying that after purchasing world peace, I would hold the world ransom for world peace and sell it for billions of dollars. I think that with this answer, I would win the beauty pageant because it shows a good business mind and a willingness to make good sacrifices in life for the future. That's what properly educated folks are supposed to do, right?
I want a cigarette boat. If I don't smoke them anymore, then I would at least like to continue spending lots of money on something that sounds badass. I mean, when you think of all the cooool dudes that have smoked cigarettes through the years, you think of Joe Camel, The Marlboro Man, Clint Eastwood in The Outlaw Josey Wales, James Dean, Brad Pitt in Fight Club, President Obama (haha, just kidding, he isn't cool), Ringo Starr, Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's... the list goes on forever!!! Imagine a cigarette boat with Dual V8 Engines and a blasting music system. I would hire a full time DJ and his only job would be to mash up "And I run, I run so far away, can I get away" by the Flock of Seagulls over and over and over and over. So now, I want this to be me:

I'll be honest, when I get older and I'm finished making money from practicing World Peace Extortion, I want to buy a sailboat and all kinds of spoiled, old-money, trust-fund aristocrat clothes and take to the seas as a spoiled sailor and say things like, "Darling, bring me a fresh martini, we're about to enter the port of Charleston and I just absolutely can't be seen without a dignified drink in my hand." (The photo is definitely photoshopped.)

If you ever get to the point where you are just bored as hell and you need a way to waste your time, then check out THE CHIVE. Great website to just get lost in the wonders of male immaturity. I guess you could call it the internet on crack. If you are a guy, you won't mind the site, if you are a woman, you will hate it (seriously don't go to it, it will offend you, I promise), if you are immature you will revel in it.